The British are Coming

Trots [2:21 PM]:
was that ned talking to the brits?!
Jake [2:22 PM]:
I couldn't tell!
Trots [2:22 PM]:
they were talking REALLY loud just now
Trots [2:22 PM]:
i figured ned was honing his faux british mimicry skillz
Jake [2:23 PM]:
so he was in there?
Trots [2:23 PM]:
could be...the accents were too thick for me to tell
Jake [2:24 PM]:
he probably asked them for Grey Poupon
Trots [2:24 PM]:
i bet he was arranging a game of cricket
Jake [2:25 PM]:
no i think he was playing 'Cha-rahhh-des'
Trots [2:26 PM]:
or possibly heading to the lift
Jake [2:28 PM]:
I believe he was sharing his family recipe for Shepherd's Pie
Trots [2:28 PM]:
i dunno. it may have been that he was avoiding the dentist...
Jake [2:29 PM]:
i think he was trying to keep up on the latest with Prince William and his tart
Trots [2:29 PM]:
i've got it! he was minding the gap!!!
Jake [2:29 PM]:
that's NASTAY!
Jake [2:29 PM]:
and that's it.
Trots [2:30 PM]:
hooray!!!
Jake [2:30 PM]:
hoorahhhh
Trots [2:30 PM]:
huzzah!

Fancy Feast

Zhan[11:28 AM]:
Trots
Trots [11:28 AM]:
zhannyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Trots [11:35 AM]:
hows it goin today?
Zhan[11:36 AM]:
eh, ok.
Trots [11:36 AM]:
bumcicles, yo
Trots [11:37 AM]:
"There once was a man named Zhan
Whose quads were rock hard cuz he ran.
In triumph, he knew,
That whenever he'd pu,
It would be a success due to bran."
Trots [11:37 AM]
do you like your limerick?
Zhan[11:37 AM]:
yeah! good stuff
Trots [11:38 AM]:
im glad you dug
Trots [11:38 AM]:
i worked hard on that
Zhan[11:39 AM]:
Well written.
Trots [11:39 AM]:
im awesome
Zhan[11:40 AM]:
undoubtedly
Trots [11:41 AM]:
man, it smells JUST LIKE cat food in here
Zhan[11:42 AM]:
Dude, that's what Ned smells like
Trots [11:42 AM]:
ewwwwwwwww
Zhan[11:42 AM]:
his pu. I went in the bafroom after he dropped pu, and it smelled like cat food.
Trots [11:42 AM]:
LOL!!!
Trots [11:42 AM]:
thats SO awesomely gross!!!
Zhan[11:43 AM]:
I know! I don't know what it is. Must be the high tea and bangers
Trots [11:43 AM]:
or the blood pudding...

Sausage?

Trots [1:29 PM]:
how u feelin?
Zhan [1:29 PM]:
I feel like warm, mushy poo.
Trots [1:29 PM]:
thats pretty hawt
Zhan [1:29 PM]:
With corn in it
Trots [1:29 PM]:
tasty!
Trots [1:30 PM]:
it sucks in here chooday cuz youre gone
Zhan [1:31 PM]:
I can't even imagine how terrible it must be.
Trots [1:32 PM]:
its like auschwitz
Zhan [1:32 PM]:
Isn't that a kind of sausage?
Trots [1:33 PM]:
sort of...a really smoky, gassy one
Zhan [1:34 PM]:
That's awful, Trots. Just awful.
Trots [1:34 PM]:
thanks

lkjhfsadjlk

Zhan [1:53 PM]:
lkjhfsadjlk
Trots [1:53 PM]:
messenger misbehaving?
Zhan [1:54 PM]:
yeah
Trots [1:54 PM]:
stoopid IM
Zhan [1:55 PM]:
I know it. Dang.
Trots [1:56 PM]:
omg, ive had a headache for like 2 days now
Zhan [1:56 PM]:
That's how mine started, Trots
Zhan [1:56 PM]:
That's a symptom of strep, no joke
Trots [1:56 PM]:
NO
Zhan [1:56 PM]:
and sore muscles
Trots [1:56 PM]:
NOOOOOOOOO
Zhan [1:56 PM]:
which I had
Trots [1:56 PM]:
YOU are the carrier!
Trots [1:56 PM]:
youre the ebola monkey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zhan [1:56 PM]:
no, it's Jake
Zhan [1:57 PM]:
just another vicitm
Trots [2:01 PM]:
jake has strep?
Zhan [2:01 PM]:
no, she's a carrier
Trots [2:01 PM]:
y’all’s poor offspring
Trots [2:02 PM]:
i think i have leprosy
Trots [2:02 PM]:
or mono
Trots [2:02 PM]:
im SO tired
Zhan [2:02 PM]:
or HIV
Zhan [2:02 PM]:
You do eat a lot of yogurt
Trots [2:03 PM]:
its true
Trots [2:03 PM]:
i bet its creepy mcstare guy on our floor
Trots [2:03 PM]:
he looks like the type of mfer who would jizz his nasty HIV in someones yogurt
Zhan [2:03 PM]:
yeah, he does.

Vintage Chats: Dance Party

10:27 AM] Trots: i think we should have a dance party
[10:27 AM] Zhan: Right now.
[10:27 AM] Trots: yeah
[10:27 AM] Zhan: woo.
[10:27 AM] Trots: that was it?
[10:27 AM] Trots: woo?
[10:27 AM] Zhan: I had a great time.
[10:27 AM] Trots: i feel...strangely...unfulfilled
[10:28 AM] Zhan: Yes, I have that effect on women.

Vintage Chats: I Feel Sexy

[10:14AM] Zhan: Trots.
[10:14 AM] Trots: zhan
[10:14 AM] Zhan: I feel sexy today.
[10:14 AM] Trots: you are sexy today!
[10:14 AM] Zhan: I just wanted to let you know.
[10:14 AM] Trots: i'm glad you did
[10:14 AM] Zhan: Me too.
[10:14 AM] Trots: it shows
[10:14 AM] Zhan: "it" shows?
[10:14 AM] Trots: LOL
[10:14 AM] Trots: your swagger is more pronounced
[10:14 AM] Zhan: Swagger.
[10:14 AM] Trots: the sexy shows
[10:14 AM] Trots: in the swagger
[10:14 AM] Zhan: Ah
[10:14 AM] Zhan: As you were ...

Vintage Chats: The Commencement of the Poo Talk

[02:34 PM] Zhan: Trots, I want to share something with you.
[02:34 PM] Trots: please do
[02:34 PM] Zhan: I just had an extremely euphoric poop.
[02:35 PM] Trots: i'm getting ready to go have one
[02:35 PM] Trots: you know its getting to be that time when the farts stank
[02:35 PM] Zhan: I can only hope yours is as good as mine was.
[02:35 PM] Zhan: Tru dat.
[02:35 PM] Zhan: For me, it was like exercising demons.
[02:35 PM] Zhan: I feel closer to God.
[02:35 PM] Zhan: I wish you could have been there.
[02:36 PM] Trots: i wish you would have told me
[02:36 PM] Trots: i would have cheered you on
[02:36 PM] Zhan: We could have sang folk songs.
[02:36 PM] Trots: with harmony
[02:37 PM] Zhan: And butt rhythm
[02:40 PM] Trots: brb
[02:40 PM] Trots: gonna have a euphoric poo
[02:45 PM] Trots: poo blocked
[02:46 PM] Zhan: Constipated?
[02:46 PM] Trots: worse
[02:46 PM] Zhan: What's worse? All fart no turd?
[02:46 PM] Trots: i was in there all euphoric and...
[02:46 PM] Trots: someone came innnnnnn
[02:46 PM] Trots: dun dun daa
[02:46 PM] Zhan: Awww, that's a bummer!
[02:47 PM] Trots: she festered around in front of the mirror for like 3 min and i got performance anxiety
[02:47 PM] Zhan: You should have started grunting loudly. That makes 'em leave
[02:47 PM] Trots: mwa ha ha
[02:47 PM] Trots: totally
[02:48 PM] Zhan: Or make self pleasuring sounds
[02:48 PM] Trots: might have sparked interest then
[02:48 PM] Zhan: not if you mixing in some poo grunts, too.
[02:48 PM] Trots: brilliant!
[02:49 PM] Zhan: Brilliant!

[03:51 PM] Trots: i finished my bm
[03:51 PM] Trots: :D
[03:51 PM] Zhan: Did you stop in the middle of it?
[03:52 PM] Trots: yes
[03:52 PM] Trots: i had an intrermission
[03:52 PM] Zhan: Damn. I don't think I could do that. You're like the kung fu master of poo.

Nips & Bits

Jake [9:41 AM]:
dude. i'm sick. i hate when this happens. when i'm just feeling kinda bad and then i stay home... then a week later the stuff really hits and then i look like a slacker
Zhan [9:42 AM]:
Maybe you're a slacker
Jake [9:42 AM]:
i'm not tho. you are
Zhan [9:43 AM]:
Not really. I just look like one
Jake [9:44 AM]:
when you're laying on your stomach having a subordinate walk on your back, then fan you with palm leaves
Zhan [9:46 AM]:
Did you notice how much cleave she's sporting today?
Jake [9:46 AM]:
i'm telling you guys - those are good totz
Jake [9:47 AM]:
D didn't see it, but really, yes, there's support, but that's just bcz they bounce otherwise
Zhan [9:47 AM]:
I almost said something to her about her cleave, but figured i'd proally be crossing some line
Jake [9:47 AM]:
i think you shouldn't say anything. you'd make her feel weird
Zhan [9:48 AM]:
That's why I didn't.
Jake [9:48 AM]:
kind of like me walking around pretending that i don't know about the milk stain on my bewb
Zhan [9:48 AM]:
But I couldn't let your leaky teat go w/o a comment
Jake [9:48 AM]:
i know - that's why i came over. i knew you'd have something to say about it. but i was actually hoping to run into someone else in the hallway who would pretend not to notice it
Zhan [9:49 AM]:
hahahaha! Like heir director
Jake [9:49 AM]:
YEAH
Jake [9:49 AM]:
that would've been awesome
Zhan [9:49 AM]:
You should wear them bewbie pads
Jake [9:49 AM]:
i only need them every now and then, and they are terribly uncomfortable. they slide around. it's like putting maxipads in your shirt
Zhan [9:50 AM]:
I'd like to see one fall out as you're walking
Jake [9:50 AM]:
right
Jake [9:51 AM]:
tho some ladies could use them when wearing sweaters. that would probably be more appropriate than nippingout in the hallway like that one chick yesterday
Zhan [9:51 AM]:
I appreciate a good, firm set of nips
Jake [9:51 AM]:
who doesn't, but in the workplace? come on. that's inappropriate
Zhan [9:52 AM]:
What's a girl to do?
Jake [9:52 AM]:
she should wear pads
Zhan [9:52 AM]:
I'm so bummed I didn't notice!
Jake [9:52 AM]:
so what if i leak. that's natural. but nippingout in public. that's slotty.
Zhan [9:53 AM]:
Nipping should be confined to one's home or car.
Jake [9:53 AM]:
Precisely, esp if you unreasonably long ones
Zhan [9:54 AM]:
What's a reasonable length?
Jake [9:55 AM]:
1/3 inch
Zhan [9:55 AM]:
What were hers?
Jake [9:55 AM]:
long is 1/2 in … i don't know.
Zhan [9:55 AM]:
come on
Jake [9:55 AM]:
probably pushing 1/2
Zhan [9:55 AM]:
no way
Jake [9:55 AM]:
but i don't know what kind of undersuppport she had. that affects my estimate. i mean, if she was wearing padded, we could be talking a 3/4 in or more
Zhan [9:56 AM]:
That's what I'm talkin' bout
Jake [9:56 AM]:
but if just a standard 1-ply, then my 1st estimate holds
Zhan [9:57 AM]:
The hugest ones belong to Garr. Not just long, but thick in diameter
Jake [9:59 AM]:
how do you know? i envision a wild happy hour ... she seems like she could tie one on
Zhan [9:59 AM]:
Cuz she's always on high alert
Jake [10:00 AM]:
you can't determine diameter that way
Zhan [10:00 AM]:
can too; just of the eraser tip, not the whole pepperoni
Jake [10:01 AM]:
oh ok. i thot you were saying the whole thing
Zhan [10:02 AM]:
No, just the sundial. Although I bet she's got a healthy set of pancakes.
Jake [10:02 AM]:
that's tru. but you never know, but yeah, you're probably right about them
Zhan [10:03 AM]:
That'd be a good team-building exercise for the next big mtg. Every chick takes a rack pic -- just the rack, mind you, no face -- and they get pinned up on a board. Same w/guys and their scroats. The game is you try to ID people based on their respective bits.
Zhan [10:04 AM]:
I think I'd win.
Jake [10:04 AM]:
i think you might. what would the name of the game be...
Zhan [10:05 AM]:
Hmmm.
Jake [10:05 AM]:
Nipples & Bits
Zhan [10:05 AM]:
Good!
Jake [10:05 AM]:
and bits and bits
Zhan [10:05 AM]:
Nips & bits
Jake [10:06 AM]:
better
Zhan [10:07 AM]:
It'd be tough for the gurls. Scroatz would be hard to ID
Jake [10:08 AM]:
not w/the gem my pediatrician gave about brunettes having darker sacs
Zhan [10:09 AM]:
You'd better keep that hawt tip under wraps. That's your edge
Zhan [10:09 AM]:
You know, it's the same with nipz. blondes are way lighter. reds are way redder. Although sometimes reds have ones that look like they should be blondes. And then they're the whole issue that not a single chick here sports her natural hair color.
Jake [10:16 AM]:
that's true. tricky
Zhan [10:16 AM]:
But that's where the fun is

Crazy = Hawt

Trots [12:20 PM]:
i got flipped off this morning
Jake [12:20 PM]:
by whom
Trots [12:21 PM]:
some a-hole who was too busy playing wif himself whilst driving to pay attention to the road
Trots [12:22 PM]:
He gave me tha finger so i blew him kisses and waved excitedly like i knew him
Jake [12:23 PM]:
that's the best way to go really
Jake [12:23 PM]:
i once chased someone like that and yelled at them
Jake [12:23 PM]:
and he told me i was crazy
Jake [12:23 PM]:
and i'm like "I'M crazy?!?"
Jake [12:24 PM]:
which in retrospect, I probably was.
Trots [12:24 PM]:
wrecking your car into someone to prove a point = crazy
Trots [12:25 PM]:
confronting peeps that suck = hawt
Trots [12:25 PM]:
chasing sucky peeps in cars to confront them = crazy hawt
Jake [12:25 PM]:
Aww...thanks!

Band Name

Trots [1:31 PM]:
dewd, i just saw the bossman in the cafeteria
Trots [1:31 PM]:
i was terrified for my life that he was gonna talk to me
Jake [1:32 PM]:
whoa
Trots [1:32 PM]:
then i would lose control of all bodily functions and cry
Jake [1:32 PM]:
did he say hi
Jake [1:32 PM]:
and pinch your butt?
Trots [1:32 PM]:
i wish
Trots [1:32 PM]:
no...we kept our distance
Jake [1:32 PM]:
i almost typed 'punch'
Jake [1:32 PM]:
that would be hawter
Jake [1:33 PM]:
you eat at the cafeteria?
Trots [1:33 PM]:
naw, i just picked up some tawts to eat at my desk
Jake [1:33 PM]:
hot tawts
Trots [1:34 PM]:
thats our band name
Trots [1:34 PM]:
Hawt Tawts
Jake [1:34 PM]:
and what better rock mascot than a tater tot?
Trots [1:35 PM]:
*throws rawk fingers*

Gunk

Trots [9:44 AM]:
im totally picking my nose right now
Trots [9:44 AM]:
hawt?
Zhan [9:45 AM]:
Only if you get a gunky boog
Trots [9:45 AM]:
just crusties
Zhan [9:45 AM]:
no fun

On the Social Norms of Poo

Zhan [10:26 AM]:
someone has popcorn over here and it smells GOOOOOD
Jake [10:26 AM]:
it's lezlie!
Jake [10:28 AM]:
gotta pu

Later that morning …

Zhan [10:30 AM]:
That's funny, I saw you on your way. You looked like you were in a hurry ... I hope it wasn't a angry one.
Jake [10:37 AM]:
no that's funny because i was just going to im you
Jake [10:37 AM]:
it was possibly the most entertaining pu i've ever taken
Zhan [10:37 AM]:
how so?
Jake [10:38 AM]:
well, i used a seat liner you know?
Zhan [10:38 AM]:
really?
Jake [10:38 AM]:
and well, i've been eating veggie chili for dinner now, going on 4 days.
Zhan [10:38 AM]:
Uh oh!
Jake [10:38 AM]:
let's just say it was satisfying
Zhan [10:38 AM]:
Where does the ass gasket come in?
Jake [10:38 AM]:
so i flush
Jake [10:39 AM]:
and the liner envelopes the tird
Zhan [10:39 AM]:
hahaha! A poo taco!
Jake [10:39 AM]:
and it looks JUST LIKE a polish sausage
Zhan [10:39 AM]:
Eeeeew!
Jake [10:39 AM]:
that refuses to flush
Jake [10:39 AM]:
but the best part
Jake [10:39 AM]:
is i find myself audibly laughing at it struggling to go down the hole
Zhan [10:40 AM]:
were there others?
Jake [10:40 AM]:
and i suddenly wonder if anyone can hear me and how delighted in my little pu i am
Jake [10:40 AM]:
i was in the handipot, but still, you can hear in the hallway pretty much all that happens in those
Zhan [10:40 AM]:
Did it make it down?
Jake [10:40 AM]:
finally, yes
Zhan [10:41 AM]:
I think you shoulda left it to entertain the next passerby
Jake [10:42 AM]:
i don't know that they would've been as entertained you know? it was mine, i was proud it came out in one piece with such perfect resemblance to sausage
Zhan [10:42 AM]:
You're too modest about your poo
Jake [10:42 AM]:
i was truly delighted
Jake [10:43 AM]:
grrls are wusses about pu tho
Jake [10:43 AM]:
it would've been flushed unceremoniously by the next chick
Jake [10:43 AM]:
not the fond good-bye i gave it
Zhan [10:44 AM]:
When I come across unflushings, I just turn around and walk away. I can't even flush it
Jake [10:44 AM]:
you're that repulsed?
Jake [10:44 AM]:
i'm shocked
Zhan [10:45 AM]:
If I don't know whose poo is be, I get weirded out.
Jake [10:45 AM]:
but if you know, it's ok?
Jake [10:45 AM]:
you'd flush D's, let's say?
Zhan [10:47 AM]:
Hmmm.
Zhan [10:47 AM]:
No.
Zhan [10:47 AM]:
My assumption is it wasn't flushed because there is a clog, and I don't want to deal w/it
Jake [10:48 AM]:
so who's would you flush?
Jake [10:48 AM]:
if not d's?
Zhan [10:48 AM]:
Well, I don't know. This would be a good social experiment
Jake [10:49 AM]:
galadriel's?
Zhan [10:49 AM]:
Hahaha!
Zhan [10:49 AM]:
no
Jake [10:49 AM]:
just the thot of her pu makes you laugh
Zhan [10:49 AM]:
it does!
Jake [10:49 AM]:
i think you'd probably flush it
Zhan [10:49 AM]:
I dunno. If I HAD to I would
Jake [10:50 AM]:
what if it was the only shiter within 5 miles?
Jake [10:50 AM]:
and it had pu in it?
Jake [10:50 AM]:
would you,
Jake [10:50 AM]:
flush
Zhan [10:50 AM]:
I would, then
Jake [10:50 AM]:
or lay one on top?
Zhan [10:51 AM]:
I'd flush if it just looked abandoned
Jake [10:51 AM]:
very kind of you.
Zhan [10:52 AM]:
but if it looked like a clogger, I'd have to add a layer to it
Jake [10:52 AM] sends:

Jake [10:52 AM]:
ew wouldn't you feel weird about that?
Jake [10:53 AM]:
I don't like mixing personal waste with others
Jake [10:53 AM]:
i remember when for the first time i made myself p into jp's p that he'd left in the can during the night...
Zhan [10:53 AM]:
It mixes anyway, just farther down the road
Jake [10:53 AM]:
it gave me the willies
Zhan [10:53 AM]:
Really? We do that all the time, and I'm always the first one up and it grosses me out, all the p
Jake [10:54 AM]:
yeah it is gross
Jake [10:54 AM]:
i'm kinda over it now. but only with him.
Jake [10:55 AM]:
when romie gets bigger, we'll have to enforce the always flush rule
Zhan [10:55 AM]:
Once, I had a morning poo and I went w/o flushing the p. There was a splashback. I couldn't handle it.
Jake [10:55 AM]:
Noooooo!!!!
Jake [10:55 AM]:
that's my greatest fear
Zhan [10:55 AM]:
Thank gawd it was before my shower
Jake [10:55 AM]:
that's why i always look.
Jake [10:55 AM]:
that, and i grew up in a house with 5 men.
Zhan [10:55 AM]:
I did too, but it didn't register
Jake [10:57 AM]:
can i borrow 3 bucks?
Zhan [10:57 AM]:
Ain't got no cashish

Hungry

Trots [10:26 AM]:
im so hungry, i could eat my own intestines
Jake [10:26 AM]:
i think that's a def turn off for latzski
Trots [10:26 AM]:
man, its hard to say tho…shes a phreak
Jake [10:27 AM]:
ask her - hey, latzo, do you think it's hawt for people to eat their own intestines?
Jake [10:27 AM]:
you might even weird her out enough with that question alone that she'll be afraid to text you
Trots [10:27 AM]:
mwa ha ha!!!
Jake [10:28 AM]:
gotta pu

Eff it, Cut tha Cord

Zhan [9:33 AM]:
You guys went last night?!
Trots [9:33 AM]:
heck ya
Zhan [9:40 AM]:
Dang, I didn't know peeps were still goin'. I woulda went too.
Trots [9:41 AM]:
awww
Trots [9:42 AM]:
well next time, ill be sure to let you know
Trots [9:42 AM]:
sorry tho, man
Trots [9:42 AM]:
i would have loved to drink a brew witchoo
Zhan [9:42 AM]:
That's ok, g.
Trots [9:43 AM]:
bc i love you the most
Trots [9:43 AM]:
(dont tell the other children :o)
Zhan [9:43 AM]:
I don't blame you one bit
Trots [9:46 AM]:
i had too much fun tho, methinks
Zhan [9:46 AM]:
y?
Trots [9:46 AM]:
i was burning the eyes out of this mayoral candidates flyer when the effing man himself came over to our table to push his agenda
Trots [9:46 AM]:
oops
Trots [9:46 AM]:
he was way nice too, so i felt uber bad
Zhan [9:47 AM]:
Hahahahaha
Trots [9:48 AM]:
and i totally yelled at frank and w
Trots [9:48 AM]:
i hit frank a bunch too
Zhan [9:48 AM]:
Good, damn bastids
Trots [9:48 AM]:
i was trying to tell him that he needs to quit slumming with these lame g@y skanks and find an alpha female
Trots [9:49 AM]:
and that bischexual chix are not alphas bc their priorities are effed and theyre flaky
Trots [9:49 AM]:
i mean come on! pick a side already!!
Zhan [9:49 AM]:
word
Trots [9:49 AM]:
and i yelled at w for not telling his gf that he loves her after 3 1/2 years
Zhan [9:50 AM]:
he doesn't?!
Trots [9:50 AM]:
nope
Zhan [9:51 AM]:
I don't get guys like that
Trots [9:51 AM]:
me neither
Zhan [9:53 AM]:
Well, I love his g/f. Hopefully that counts for something.
Trots [9:53 AM]:
it does fo' sho
Zhan [10:11 AM]:
Eff it, cut tha cord
Trots [10:12 AM]:
lights on ! turn on the radio
Zhan [10:12 AM]:
Heeeey, good job! That's awesome!
Trots [10:12 AM]:
im pretty awesome sometimes
Zhan [10:13 AM]:
This is one of those times

The Bacon Dress

Trots [9:20 AM]:
so dude…im in class with Latszki
Jake[9:22 AM]:
she's txting you. for what i'd like to know
Trots [9:23 AM]:
lunch stuff so far
Jake[9:23 AM]:
mufflunching
Trots [9:23 AM]:
but i cant wait to see where this goes over the weekend!
Jake[9:23 AM]:
WHAT
Jake[9:23 AM]:
you're hanging out over the weekend?!? this has gotten serious
Trots [9:24 AM]:
no no no!!!!!!!!!!
Trots [9:24 AM]:
omg, no
Trots [9:25 AM]:
im talking about how shes prolly gonna send me text messages this weekend or something grodie like that
Trots [9:25 AM]:
eek
Jake[9:27 AM]:
i can't believe you gave her your #
Jake[9:27 AM]:
that's hilarious
Trots [9:28 AM]:
i was in fear for my life, jake!!! i panicked and didnt know what to do. i saw my pitiful life flash before my eyes
Jake[9:28 AM]:
you're asking for trouble -- or at least highly inappropriate texts in the middle of the night
Trots [9:29 AM]:
this is like a horror movie
Jake[9:29 AM]:
ha she's totally going to be drunkdialing you
Trots [9:29 AM]:
where a gross troll stalks and eventually mutilates me
Jake[9:29 AM]:
Single White Female
Jake[9:31 AM]:
i'm worred, trots
Jake[9:31 AM]:
don't walk alone to your car
Jake[9:31 AM]:
you may be attacked by a beaver
Jake[9:32 AM]:
what repels?
Jake[9:32 AM]:
bacon grease!!
Jake[9:32 AM]:
she'll never come near you if you smear yourself with bacon
Trots [9:32 AM]:
AAAahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Trots [9:33 AM]:
i must get to the grocery store NOW
Trots [9:33 AM]:
(also, as a bonus, the bf will love the bacon fragrance)
Jake[9:34 AM]:
we may have stumbled onto a masterful marketing plan
Jake[9:34 AM]:
Bacon:
attracts men,
repels boho pseudolez vegans
Trots [9:34 AM]:
we should at least create a bacon flavored perfume - eau de hogfat
Trots [9:35 AM]:
what if she really propositions me?
Trots [9:35 AM]:
should i just stab a stiletto through her forehead and flee?
Jake[9:36 AM]:
i think you should tell her that you love bacon, and it would never work out
Trots [9:37 AM]:
should i whip out my fur russian hunter hat and shake it at her? then kick her with my leather shoes?
Jake[9:38 AM]:
the fur hat my send the wrong message
Trots [9:38 AM]:
good point
Jake[9:38 AM]:
but it would mesmerize her long enough to make a clean getaway
Trots [9:38 AM]:
and if she spattered it with paint, id have to kill her @ss
Jake[9:39 AM]:
she might defile it
Jake[9:39 AM]:
but not with paint
Trots [9:40 AM]:
omg, i just died inside
Trots [9:40 AM]:
and went frigid
Jake[9:40 AM]:
that's what i'm here for
Trots [9:42 AM]:
my vajayjay just sealed itself permanently
Jake[9:42 AM]:
you could tell her that too
Trots [9:42 AM]:
and now im in the fetal position and sucking my thumb
Trots [9:42 AM]:
but hey, thats not a bad plan...
Jake[9:42 AM]:
tell her you had it surgically removed for just such an occasion
Trots [9:44 AM]:
id tell her i had a pen15 but evidently, that wont throw her off either
Jake[9:45 AM]:
you're right scratch that. the whole line of questioning could turn down a bad road at that point.
Trots [9:45 AM]:
what if i told her i have syphigonnachlamhiv?
Jake[9:46 AM]:
i think she'd just say "Me too!"
Trots [9:47 AM]:
rats. ok, its back to the bacon then
Jake[9:52 AM] sends:


Trots [9:52 AM]:
SO HAWT
Trots [9:52 AM]:
ill be unstoppable in that, yo
Trots [9:52 AM]:
i think we should make a deal with farmland and trademark the idea
Jake[9:52 AM]:
you'd be like a baco-licious superhero
Jake[9:53 AM]:
for all targetted str8 girrls
Trots [9:53 AM]:
i'm baco-licious, but, i aint promiscuous but if you was suspicious, all that shat is fictitious...
Jake[9:56 AM]:
dang, i forgot the fur hat
Trots [9:57 AM]:
make it so, number one
Jake[9:58 AM]:
dang i can't just add it i have to redraw it
Trots [9:58 AM]:
ill squint really hard and spin around in my chair then look at it
Trots [9:58 AM]:
im sure it will look like its there then
Jake[9:59 AM] sends:

Trots [9:59 AM]:
Uber HAWT
Jake[10:00 AM]:
it kinda looks like pewp, but you get the idea
Trots [10:00 AM]:
youre so awesome
Jake[10:03 AM]:
thanks trotsie - should you need any other renderings of your superhero tools let me know
Trots [10:03 AM]:
i may need a cattle prod weapon eventually…

Welcome to the Sanctuary

Trots [12:56 PM]:
yeesh
Zhan [12:56 PM]:
I've considered buying our workplace a few times myself to turn it into a beaver sanctuary.
Trots [12:56 PM]:
lol!
Trots [12:56 PM]:
good idear
Trots [12:56 PM]:
speaking of beaver, did you get my email? …

Latzski [11:09 AM]:
hey, what's your cell?

Zhan [12:57 PM]:
Latzski's wanting to get funky with Trots
Trots [12:57 PM]:
she texted me already
Zhan [12:57 PM]:
Anything juicy?
Zhan [12:57 PM]:
Like
Zhan [12:57 PM]:
Talk of labia squeezing?
Trots [12:57 PM]:
gawd no
Trots [12:57 PM]:
omg
Trots [12:58 PM]:
i just hurled a little in my mouf
Zhan [12:58 PM]:
She's wanting to do some leg over leg grindage, I'm sure of it
Trots [12:59 PM]:
scissor action?
Zhan [12:59 PM]:
Yeah. I see a little muffrubbing in your future
Trots [12:59 PM]:
id rather stick my muffin in a garden weasel
Zhan [1:00 PM]:
That's EXACTLY what it's gonna be like
Zhan [1:00 PM]:
I hear told she can talk from her cootch
Trots [1:00 PM]:
sick, man
Trots [1:00 PM]:
sick
Zhan [1:00 PM]:
Yeah, I guess it spits
Zhan [1:00 PM]:
But it plays a mean french horn
Trots [1:00 PM]:
LOL!
Trots [1:00 PM]:
youre so awesome
Zhan [1:00 PM]:
thx, g.
Zhan [1:00 PM]:
Sometimes I wish cooters had tongues
Zhan [1:01 PM]:
Don't you?
Trots [1:01 PM]:
no, but i wish they had lungs
Zhan [1:01 PM]:
They kinda do ... let's just put it this way, don't do keagles in the tub
Zhan [1:02 PM]:
Or you'll be a water fountain later in the day
Trots [1:02 PM]:
note to self: fulfill life goal of being a human fountain today in Plaza
Zhan [1:03 PM]:
Man, this has been a great convo. This should be published and sold at a profit
Trots [1:03 PM]:
gotta pewp...brb
Zhan [1:03 PM]:
Make it a good one
Trots [1:09 PM]:
omg, i have diarrhea cha cha cha
Zhan [1:09 PM]:
That's awesome.
Trots [1:09 PM]:
my brown eye is on fire!!!
Trots [1:09 PM]:
like, bursting into flame
Zhan [1:09 PM]:
Why?
Zhan [1:10 PM]:
Was it noisy?
Trots [1:10 PM]:
dunno. i didnt eat anything crazy
Trots [1:10 PM]:
it was SO loud and the bathroom wuz full of b!tchez
Trots [1:10 PM]:
it came on so fast!!
Zhan [1:10 PM]:
That makes me smile and feel at peace
Trots [1:11 PM]:
bc i have the green apple clicks?
Zhan [1:11 PM]:
yesh
Trots [1:11 PM]:
(and yes, we should publish this and all our funny convos)
Trots [1:11 PM]:
(we should create a blog for it)

Ta da!!!